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|Sunday, September 13th, 2015|
|Oh, LJ, how I miss you...
I still like Livejournal because, unlike Facebook, it's easier to be more honest about life events and happenings in general. So here's what's been happening:
For the past year to year and a half, I've been having a majorly growing anxiety problem. It's one of those things where I thought it wasn't that bad and I thought I could handle it. It wasn't until the beginning of this year where I started having physical symptoms to it as well as the mental/emotional. It took me a while to actually figure out and admit that things had gotten back enough to get treatment for these issues.
About a month ago I started actively looking for treatment and the experiences I had going through this proved to be quite the stressful beast. First off, I found out that my insurance doesn't cover the treatment I need. Well then, next step, looking for a place that does payment on a sliding scale based on income. Many phone calls led to the realization that most places either were not accepting new patients or never called back. I tried the EAP at work, and the place they referred me to never called back. It's like, here I am, I want to get better, but no one is helping me and I'm just frustrated. Eventually I went back to the place I went to eight years ago for depression issues, and that's what I should have done in the first place because they got me in as soon as possible. So now I'm back at the SUNY training center for doctorate students, and I'm HAPPY to be there and that the nightmare of trying to find someone to listen is OVER. Plus the person I was paired up with is AWESOME.
Other than dealing with major anxiety problems over the summer, it's been a pretty uneventful season. I didn't really do much. I watched a lot of movies and read a lot. I went to a couple of parties and local events. Went camping a couple of times and went back to the shore. Did some walking with friends and enjoyed the weather. Reconnected with some old friends, strengthened ties with new ones, and learned how to talk about my anxiety with people without having that sinking feeling that I'm bothering other people. Not burying feelings inside.
I'm glad it's starting to feel like fall. I've started on the pumpkin recipes and on the great horror movie watch of 2015. Finally made it to the Scare-A-Con at Turning Stone yesterday, and to say that was a great experience is an understatement. I always have so many new experiences and stories every time I attend a con, although I'm still intimidated by meeting some of my heroes...I'm still in shock that I met Joe Bob Briggs after being a fan for nearly 20 years. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I go to Rock and Shock and meet George Romero. O_O
So there ya have it. It would be nice if one day, if Livejournal made a come-back. Here's hoping.
|Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015|
|'Cuz spring is all about rebirth...
I have survived the winter.
It was no easy feat, just like last winter, although last winter was worse. This year seemed to be more anxiety-based depression, rather than last year's just plain depression.
But I survived. Though recently I've become rather introspective. I kept on feeling this need to have real conversations with people. Be honest and talk about life and emotions and all that good stuff. I really felt like that was missing in my life, those all night chats with people where you connect and reconnect with the person, making you closer to each other. I talked with some friends about this and they agreed, that we don't connect with people as well as when we were in college. People don't have the time and/or energy. Or they struggle to be open-minded, which is what brought me to another issue: I don't like talking about my problems, mainly because I was discouraged from it a few years ago during a tumultuous time in my life (I might save that for another post). When I figured this out and decided to talk more, things felt better. I talked to a couple of people about some things that had been bothering me, and the world didn't end.
Other things going on:
-I find it's funny how things work out sometimes. Last summer, I was caught in some drama within a social circle when a jealous bitch tried to get in the way of me having a friendship with the guy she was interested in (let it be known that I absolutely HATE that kind of thing). I didn't want to lose his friendship, but she kept on scaring off not just me, but any female who approached him. I cut out for a while. When she left for grad school, he kicked her friendship to the curb. In the following months, we have not only become closer, he is becoming my best friend and I find it to be quite nice.
-I have a habit of finding the most random social circles and being adopted by them. I started doing trivia with a group of people in December, which is definitely the craziest team I've ever been on. Over the past couple of months, these crazies have kept me sane, not just with trivia, but in the random mischief we get into on a regular basis.
-I feel like I need to meditate more to keep my mind quiet. I've starting enjoying the peacefulness of nature again. A seven-mile hike through Thatcher Park will do that to you.
-After 6 years of having a Saturday shift at my job, the company has decided to change things. My site is now closed on Saturdays, which means that I have Saturdays off. Plus I'm allowed to transfer my Saturday shift to Thursday (my regular day off) and get out at 1:30 on Thursday afternoons. For the past year or so I've been hoping that this exact thing would happen! And it came true! Which means I can do all the crazy things I've always wanted to do without planning ahead! Troy Farmer's Market, morning exercise classes, brunch, festivals, sleeping in when I want to, random road trips without planning, just taking off for the weekend and going somewhere. It's almost overwhelming. Whenever I think about it, another thing that I can do pops into my head and I get excited that I can just go.
I don't know what else to write about. I kinda don't want to be too optimistic about the spring and this coming summer, but it seems like some things are evening themselves out. Hopefully I can get the other parts of my life straight also.
|Thursday, October 23rd, 2014|
I'm still trying to get back into this LJ things. Slowly, but it will happen.
So after my last post, I had friends inviting me to stuff to get out of the house more, which I greatly appreciate. I feel bad as I haven't been able to take advantage of the offers as much as I would like, as either weird health issues have been getting in the way, and then October happened, and I had so many ticketed events to get to.
So here's what kind of business has happened in the past month:
-Got to hang out with people, which is always a plus. Renewed ties with a friend, so I'm quite happy with that. I have to remember that once I go outside of my comfort zone and meet new people, that the fear is all in my head. I'm happier when I keep on being social. When I don't get good doses of socialization, that's when my social anxiety takes over.
-After over 5 years at my job, I'm actually starting to enjoy working there. I finally got up the nerve to join a couple of committees, so now I get to contribute to a newsletter and help out with fire drill safety. Plus, nacho day and pizza day are awesome.
-Movies! The Big Lebowski is so much better in a theater with people drunk on White Russians. Rocky Horror at the Palace was an amazing experience, as usual. Gone Girl blew me away, if it didn't do the same to anyone else (but it helped that I loved the book). And Nosferatu with a live band? Wow.
-Found Footage fest at Proctor's was a fun little event, and I hope to catch it again when it comes through area.
-Schenectady's Wing Walk was quite tasty, although it's getting to be too popular like most of the food events in the Capital Region. I really wanted to get to Troy's Chowder Fest, but I didn't feel like standing in a long line for tickets for chowder.
-Saw Newsies at Proctor's, and though I didn't hate it, it was definitely not a memorable show. A little bit on the bland side and didn't have enough energy to it.
-I was fortunate to get a ticket to Cary Elwes's stop on his book tour. Very polite and charismatic man. And when I met him, what did I say? "My boyfriend made me watch Shadow of the Vampire this week, and that was awesome." Then I called him handsome, and he called me sweet. Fun experience.
-I love October. One of the reasons is that it gets less lonely being a horror fan. I'm allowed to do whatever I want with the excuse of, "It's Halloween!" I got to go to the Rock and Shock con for the second year in a row and that experience completely drained me for a couple of days. I met Brad Dourif, which still blows my mind whenever I think about that. I also met Dee Wallace and she had to be the sweetest lady in the world. Extremely friendly and talkative and I will never forget the panel she was on. And of course, me being me, I stop by the table where my horror movie crush was and I started rambling on. Like embarrassing myself kind of rambling, and I tried to excuse it by saying that I was hopped up on energy from meeting people all day. He told me that it meant a lot to him that I was supporting his side projects, then he comes around the table and gives me a great big hug. This was no half-assed hug, it was one of those tight hugs. These experiences have made me wonder why I can keep cool around people like Brad Dourif, but someone on a lesser scale makes me ramble like an idiot!
-Halloween is busy. NaNoWriMo is coming up. Then the holidays. Then can I rest?
|Thursday, January 23rd, 2014|
|And Once Again, I Write......
Once again, I'm stirred to recognize that I'm in a rut. It's the weather, I'm sure of it.
I want to go out and be brave, I really do, but the cold, combined with a little bit of social anxiety keeps me in. I'm trying, I really am, but those lingering doubts always come in at the most inopportune time. What bugs me is that I'm incredibly self-aware of this, aware that it's the fear that drives me to worry about social situations and what others think of me. I know I can plow through it if I need to, but it's always that doubt that stays. One of the things that holds me back is knowing that at the age I'm at now, it's so hard to meet new people and get rid of old habits.
So, what am I gonna do about it? The same thing I always do. Make out my plan of attack. But this time I want to stick to it. That's the trouble with fear. Even when I make a plan, the fear takes away the cheap adhesive that makes it stick.
Seeing as how next week is my birthday, I really should just make the next year about not giving into fear. Throwing it to the wind. I did a lot of scary things last year, and I think that it's time to do more scary things this year. More things. Better things. Hang out with more people and not let fear get in the way.
After all, why not?
|Thursday, April 8th, 2010|
|April 5, 6, 7, 8-Haikus!
Since I've been lax in posting poetry for the past few days, it's time to make up...through haiku!
Rain down over Albany
Heatwave in April.
Never wear a skirt
In windy weather, because
The risk is too great.
Black underwear, cute,
On sale at Target, but then
Oops! They're all sold out.
"Orange Power-The Haiku"
My cat thinks he is
A superhero, and he's
Named Orange Power.
Copyright 2010 Shannon Grant
|Sunday, April 4th, 2010|
|Saturday, April 3rd, 2010|
|Friday, April 2nd, 2010|
|National Poetry Writing Month...
April is National Poetry Writing Month.
In honor of this occasion, I've decided to write a poem a day. Hopefully it can get me back into a writing schedule again.
So, here goes...( Collapse )
|Friday, January 15th, 2010|
It's been a long time since I posted. Since that time my emotions have gone spiralling downwards into depression.
And it's not an over-emotional depression as much as it's more of a boredom-type of depression. I'm drained. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with anything anymore. I don't know how to deal. If I had the concentration to write, I could have something to be passionate about again, but even that leaves me a little bit hopeless.
A lot of it comes from trying to deal with my OCD on a day-by-day basis, and I'm losing strength in that area, as well as just not knowing how to deal with people. I just feel so disconnected with people...I don't know how not to be shy anymore. I don't know how to reconnect with people I haven't seen in a while because I'm not sure if I'll be accepted or rejected.
It's weird...I didn't know that I could lose those skills so easily. I want to be able to talk to people again, be comfortable, connect, but I get so scared of the rejection. And there have been times when I've been able to pull myself up and put myself out there, but I get so tired of doing that.
I know that this has to stop if I want to be happy again.
Also, this is gonna be a weird addition to the post, but my birthday's in a couple of weeks. Plans are going to be made on January 30th, and I'll let people know soon what exactly will be going on, once I figure it out. Hopefully dinner, maybe either bowling or the Fuze Box after.
|Friday, October 2nd, 2009|
-My biggest update of all is that a few weeks ago, I decided my car was finally too far gone to save. So I bought a new one, and yes, it's a another Saturn (here's to brand-loyalty!). I now have a 2007 black Saturn Ion, and to be honest, it really is quite awesome. It's a tiny bit smaller than my previous car, handles tight corners well, and has the capacity to be a speed-demon. And it has a CD player, which has brought me into the modern age. I love it!
-2 weeks to the day since I picked up the car, the Saturn company goes under. A little troublesome, but not enough to make me pitch a fit.
-My OCD has been off the charts lately. At this point I think I would be better off finding some help for it.
-Although I'm slowly getting back into being social again. This makes me very happy. :) I just need to keep at it.
-One day I'm actually gonna stop by for Holmes and Watson trivia.
-Emack and Bolio's on Western Ave, Mondays, open mic night. Great atmosphere, and they serve coffee, tea, and smoothies, along with gourmet ice cream. Anyone who is interested should stop by. :)
-I always feel happy when Halloween is coming.
-I need to catch up on Livejournal happenings.
-I want to roadtrip again, hey, I've got the car for it. Who's going to sectionals?
-Time for more adventures. :)
|Friday, September 4th, 2009|
|So much stuff in my head needs to come out...
So fall is nearly here.
I've been looking back at the summer and been thinking a lot. It was mostly an uneventful summer for me. I took lots of walks, ate lots of ice cream, and tried to break myself out of this rut I've been feeling for a while. Oh yeah, and I saw Green Day.
I guess what comes out of this rut is that I've been looking for something to inspire me. Something to happen that will shake me up. Something to hold my interest. Something to change me.
It's hard though. Most of those changes I could make don't get made because of that fear that holds me back. I've found out that sometimes I'm afraid of people, of what people are capable of. I'm afraid that sometimes I'm too complex to be understood. I'm afraid of people not giving me a chance. That sometimes I'll let my feelings be known in the simplest way possible and I'll be misunderstood. There are times I need people to listen to what I say...to what I think...but sometimes it comes out mixed up.
I capped off the summer with about 2 weeks of depression, feeling all these strange things that I felt like I was dealing with on my own. Mostly I was. As a whole this summer, I actually looked at a lot of things and thought about them, let them into my mind for a while and tried to figure them out. Maybe that's why it was so uneventful...I needed to look at things in different ways. I needed to be more contemplative.
Right now I look at the world and there are so many things I don't understand. It's strange, I tend to question everything around me. Sometimes I feel like an outsider because I don't take everything at face value. And I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this. This is probably one of the reasons I'm holding back...I can't make sense of the outside world. I can't make sense of society and things like that. Hell, I can't balance my thoughts enough times to write in a way that makes sense. Everything rushes through my head.
Maybe I can't necessarily find things to inspire me. Maybe I have to inspire myself.
|Monday, July 27th, 2009|
|Friday, June 19th, 2009|
|Letting Go of Pain...
Looking back on my life for the past few years, I've noticed that a major theme of those years was hurt. I've had a lot of good memories, and I try to keep those and reach out to them whenever I can, but I've been having trouble letting go of the hurt.
I've noticed that forgiveness is not an easy thing. Forgiveness sometimes feels like giving up and giving in. Almost like you condoning something someone did to you and saying it's all right, when nothing about it feels right. The thing is though, I've noticed something about myself-I still hold a lot of my anger with me. Sometimes I feel like it's a strength. It helps me creatively, it helps me survive when I've been hurt. But it also holds the pain in. It's like a dam that keeps it in so I don't have to let it out.
But sometimes I don't want to be angry because the hurt is still there. I think that maybe if I break down the dam, let go of the anger, the pain will go with it. Because the pain is growing stale. It's over with. It needs to go.
I believe that letting go of my anger will help my spiritual growth.
But I won't let go of too much though...there still needs to be enough angry passion there for song-writing. :)
|Monday, June 8th, 2009|
I've been in a rut for a little bit of time. One of the things that I suspect is keeping me in a rut is that I haven't been focusing on my spirituality in a good long while.
I suspect that could be a problem as I used to really focus on it.
Lately I've been questioning myself and what could be good for me. Along with hidden fears, I've gotten away from what makes me feel human. And I've been thinking about this for some time, but I haven't been DOING anything about it.
So it's time for me to get back in the habit. Create more. Get back into nature. Let go of some of this damn anger that's been building up inside of me (although not too much, it helps my songwriting :)). Learn more. Experience more. Explore more. Remember the reasons I'm here.
I'm feeling better already. :)
|Tuesday, May 26th, 2009|
-CD's I dig right now:
Been listening to lots of random stuff. So far I've dug out the Goo Goo Dolls "Superstar Car Wash" album. Been also listening to Kate Nash's "Made of Bricks," Hole's "Celebrity Skin," and Green Day's "Nimrod." Oh, and of course, "21st Century Breakdown."
-I have my Green Day tickets and Dandan and I are going for his birthday. :)
-I've been writing a lot of new song material. I finally got my new portable amp so I can write on electric guitar again.
-A couple of weeks ago, I saw Yanni. Next week I see Blues Traveler.
-The cat in my house absolutely loves his new lion-cut.
-I wanna go swimming.
-Yesterday Dandan and I went to Lake George, but it wasn't the weather to go swimming. But since I have Thursdays off I can hop up there anytime I want.
-I'm hungry and waiting patiently for Dandan's family's barbeque.
|Monday, May 4th, 2009|
-I did indeed wind up going to the ADH banquet last night, although after the food, seeing as I don't see paying $40 for food that is sub-par. It was ok, though I feel I should've talked to more people. When you're not majorly social for a while, you tend to lose it. Oh well. Time to find more situations to practice in.
-I've been tired a lot lately. Not wanting to do much except for stay home and watch movies. Every once in a while, I get a sinus headache when the weather changes. I also got my very first case of food poisoning last week. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
-I'm actually disappointed in myself as a writer because the month of April is National Poetry Month and I didn't post any poetry!
-I want to play music in public again but I get such stage fright I don't know how to overcome it.
|Friday, May 1st, 2009|
Who will be going to the ADH banquet on Saturday? I'm just wondering if enough people that I know are going to justify paying $40. So far I know about 2 actives. :)
|Monday, April 20th, 2009|
Right now, I feel confused. Lots of confusion. I'm guessing it's all stemming from the fact that I feel like I want to go in a dozen different directions at once. And life is confusing for me.
All of this is because I don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do, but things get in the way. It's pretty damn tough living with OCD everyday and wanting to do something...but my friggin' mind holds me back. My quirks hold me back. And it's frustrating. Add to that spring fever and just wanting to be outside all the time. And also reaching out for human contact, but not knowing exactly who to turn to and not knowing what people think of me. And getting tired of supporting everyone else and wanting to be supported in turn.
And so I'm confused.
And there's a million things I could write about in this journal. When get confused about life, I usually retreat into a fantasy world in my head that really should be put down on paper. I've basically created a trilogy of books in my head that contains familiar characters and situations that I should be writing about, but instead I'm daydreaming about.
Before this spring, I kept on getting the feeling that something amazing was supposed to happen to me, but I'm not sure what it is. Hell, maybe I'm not sure who I am anymore, and maybe I have to pick definite directions. But then again, I know myself very well. Who knows?
|Monday, March 30th, 2009|
|I have everything I need...
Ok, so I have everything I need in order to write. I have the stories in my head. I have the voice, the skills, people willing to read what I write and offer suggestions. I have the time and the strategy. I even have the cute little computer in order to write in a comfortable position.
WHY THE HELL CAN'T I STARTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have so many stories in my head I can't filter out just one. I can't find the right one to start with. I don't know why or how or which way is up. I'm just insane.
Any suggestions? Someone give me a starting line or something...anything but "It was a dark and stormy night." Even though it IS dark and stormy out.