Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Shannon's LiveJournal:

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Friday, October 2nd, 2009
7:50 am	Updates... Let's see... -My biggest update of all is that a few weeks ago, I decided my car was finally too far gone to save. So I bought a new one, and yes, it's a another Saturn (here's to brand-loyalty!). I now have a 2007 black Saturn Ion, and to be honest, it really is quite awesome. It's a tiny bit smaller than my previous car, handles tight corners well, and has the capacity to be a speed-demon. And it has a CD player, which has brought me into the modern age. I love it! -2 weeks to the day since I picked up the car, the Saturn company goes under. A little troublesome, but not enough to make me pitch a fit. -My OCD has been off the charts lately. At this point I think I would be better off finding some help for it. -Although I'm slowly getting back into being social again. This makes me very happy. :) I just need to keep at it. -One day I'm actually gonna stop by for Holmes and Watson trivia. -Emack and Bolio's on Western Ave, Mondays, open mic night. Great atmosphere, and they serve coffee, tea, and smoothies, along with gourmet ice cream. Anyone who is interested should stop by. :) -I always feel happy when Halloween is coming. -I need to catch up on Livejournal happenings. -I want to roadtrip again, hey, I've got the car for it. Who's going to sectionals? -Time for more adventures. :) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 4th, 2009
10:22 am	So much stuff in my head needs to come out... So fall is nearly here. I've been looking back at the summer and been thinking a lot. It was mostly an uneventful summer for me. I took lots of walks, ate lots of ice cream, and tried to break myself out of this rut I've been feeling for a while. Oh yeah, and I saw Green Day. ... I guess what comes out of this rut is that I've been looking for something to inspire me. Something to happen that will shake me up. Something to hold my interest. Something to change me. It's hard though. Most of those changes I could make don't get made because of that fear that holds me back. I've found out that sometimes I'm afraid of people, of what people are capable of. I'm afraid that sometimes I'm too complex to be understood. I'm afraid of people not giving me a chance. That sometimes I'll let my feelings be known in the simplest way possible and I'll be misunderstood. There are times I need people to listen to what I say...to what I think...but sometimes it comes out mixed up. I capped off the summer with about 2 weeks of depression, feeling all these strange things that I felt like I was dealing with on my own. Mostly I was. As a whole this summer, I actually looked at a lot of things and thought about them, let them into my mind for a while and tried to figure them out. Maybe that's why it was so uneventful...I needed to look at things in different ways. I needed to be more contemplative. Right now I look at the world and there are so many things I don't understand. It's strange, I tend to question everything around me. Sometimes I feel like an outsider because I don't take everything at face value. And I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this. This is probably one of the reasons I'm holding back...I can't make sense of the outside world. I can't make sense of society and things like that. Hell, I can't balance my thoughts enough times to write in a way that makes sense. Everything rushes through my head. Maybe I can't necessarily find things to inspire me. Maybe I have to inspire myself. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 27th, 2009
3:10 pm	Green Day Show... ( Green Day Show ) (Comment on this)
Friday, June 19th, 2009
6:06 am	Letting Go of Pain... Looking back on my life for the past few years, I've noticed that a major theme of those years was hurt. I've had a lot of good memories, and I try to keep those and reach out to them whenever I can, but I've been having trouble letting go of the hurt. I've noticed that forgiveness is not an easy thing. Forgiveness sometimes feels like giving up and giving in. Almost like you condoning something someone did to you and saying it's all right, when nothing about it feels right. The thing is though, I've noticed something about myself-I still hold a lot of my anger with me. Sometimes I feel like it's a strength. It helps me creatively, it helps me survive when I've been hurt. But it also holds the pain in. It's like a dam that keeps it in so I don't have to let it out. But sometimes I don't want to be angry because the hurt is still there. I think that maybe if I break down the dam, let go of the anger, the pain will go with it. Because the pain is growing stale. It's over with. It needs to go. I believe that letting go of my anger will help my spiritual growth. But I won't let go of too much though...there still needs to be enough angry passion there for song-writing. :) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 8th, 2009
1:32 pm	Spiritual Crossroads... I've been in a rut for a little bit of time. One of the things that I suspect is keeping me in a rut is that I haven't been focusing on my spirituality in a good long while. I suspect that could be a problem as I used to really focus on it. Lately I've been questioning myself and what could be good for me. Along with hidden fears, I've gotten away from what makes me feel human. And I've been thinking about this for some time, but I haven't been DOING anything about it. So it's time for me to get back in the habit. Create more. Get back into nature. Let go of some of this damn anger that's been building up inside of me (although not too much, it helps my songwriting :)). Learn more. Experience more. Explore more. Remember the reasons I'm here. I'm feeling better already. :) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
4:30 am	Updates... -CD's I dig right now: Been listening to lots of random stuff. So far I've dug out the Goo Goo Dolls "Superstar Car Wash" album. Been also listening to Kate Nash's "Made of Bricks," Hole's "Celebrity Skin," and Green Day's "Nimrod." Oh, and of course, "21st Century Breakdown." -I have my Green Day tickets and Dandan and I are going for his birthday. :) -I've been writing a lot of new song material. I finally got my new portable amp so I can write on electric guitar again. -A couple of weeks ago, I saw Yanni. Next week I see Blues Traveler. -The cat in my house absolutely loves his new lion-cut. -I wanna go swimming. -Yesterday Dandan and I went to Lake George, but it wasn't the weather to go swimming. But since I have Thursdays off I can hop up there anytime I want. -I'm hungry and waiting patiently for Dandan's family's barbeque. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 4th, 2009
1:17 pm	Updates... -I did indeed wind up going to the ADH banquet last night, although after the food, seeing as I don't see paying $40 for food that is sub-par. It was ok, though I feel I should've talked to more people. When you're not majorly social for a while, you tend to lose it. Oh well. Time to find more situations to practice in. -I've been tired a lot lately. Not wanting to do much except for stay home and watch movies. Every once in a while, I get a sinus headache when the weather changes. I also got my very first case of food poisoning last week. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. -I'm actually disappointed in myself as a writer because the month of April is National Poetry Month and I didn't post any poetry! -I want to play music in public again but I get such stage fright I don't know how to overcome it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 1st, 2009
12:47 pm	Random Question... Who will be going to the ADH banquet on Saturday? I'm just wondering if enough people that I know are going to justify paying $40. So far I know about 2 actives. :) (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 20th, 2009
2:18 pm	Identity Crisis?! Right now, I feel confused. Lots of confusion. I'm guessing it's all stemming from the fact that I feel like I want to go in a dozen different directions at once. And life is confusing for me. All of this is because I don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do, but things get in the way. It's pretty damn tough living with OCD everyday and wanting to do something...but my friggin' mind holds me back. My quirks hold me back. And it's frustrating. Add to that spring fever and just wanting to be outside all the time. And also reaching out for human contact, but not knowing exactly who to turn to and not knowing what people think of me. And getting tired of supporting everyone else and wanting to be supported in turn. And so I'm confused. And there's a million things I could write about in this journal. When get confused about life, I usually retreat into a fantasy world in my head that really should be put down on paper. I've basically created a trilogy of books in my head that contains familiar characters and situations that I should be writing about, but instead I'm daydreaming about. Before this spring, I kept on getting the feeling that something amazing was supposed to happen to me, but I'm not sure what it is. Hell, maybe I'm not sure who I am anymore, and maybe I have to pick definite directions. But then again, I know myself very well. Who knows? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 30th, 2009
1:45 pm	I have everything I need... Ok, so I have everything I need in order to write. I have the stories in my head. I have the voice, the skills, people willing to read what I write and offer suggestions. I have the time and the strategy. I even have the cute little computer in order to write in a comfortable position. WHY THE HELL CAN'T I STARTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!! I have so many stories in my head I can't filter out just one. I can't find the right one to start with. I don't know why or how or which way is up. I'm just insane. Any suggestions? Someone give me a starting line or something...anything but "It was a dark and stormy night." Even though it IS dark and stormy out. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
2:05 pm	I'm back online!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks to having a steady cash flow for the first time in a long while, I made the first expensive purchase that I have in 3 years. Yup, I did it...I have a cute little Acer notebook...my own cute little laptop. :) So this means that after a little more than a month I'M BACK ONLINE!!!!!! And things keep on getting better and better...spring is here...no more snow (hopefully). I'm feeling more sociable. I can kick back and breathe deep and just enjoy things. ... I feel like more things are gonna be happening to me soon. I can't explain it...I started getting a feeling about halfway through the winter that this springtime was gonna be very special for me. I feel like I have a lot to write about. But then again I always feel like I have a lot to write about. :) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 1st, 2009
7:18 pm	Hello out there! Yes, I am indeed still alive. I haven't been online much lately, as my computer went down, and hasn't been fixed yet (if it is indeed fixable). I'm currently writing from Dan's house. So far lots of things have happened in the past month: -I had my birthday! It was funfunfun! -I am now working at Express Scripts in Troy. Full-time. Which means, for the first time in 7 years, I'll have health insurance! -I've been trying to keep up in the groove of writing. Lots of new stuff to be had, which I will be posting when I have the time and resources. -Since I have steady paycheck now, I'm can buy things that I actually want right now. I've wanted a laptop for a while, and I know a small one I can get for cheap. Also, a laptop is definitely a good investment for my writing...I would be able to go anywhere and use it without having to write by hand. -I've been trying to get out more and do more fun things. It's hard though when I don't have a working computer to connect with people. Anyone who wants to do anything, hit me up! -I have the greatest Dandan in the whole entire world! As everyone can see, things are good. Real good. :) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 25th, 2009
2:57 pm	Updates... -I'm tired, sick, and cranky. For a while there I thought that I wasn't gonna get sick this winter, but I did. First, I got a sinus infection, and now I have a cold. I'm falling apart! :( -Since I've been sick, I've been cooped up and not really able to go out as much as I want to. I NEED my social life back! -Last night dinner was yummy crunchy parmesaen chicken that Dan and I made. With wild rice. And there were absolutely no leftovers. :) -I bought blackberries. They taste juicy. -I worked a little bit on my scrapbook project today, the first time in over a week. The problem is that every time I get a new idea, I don't have the materials on hand to make that idea come alive, so I have to go out and buy more stuff. -I have purple leopard-print pants that I'm debating on whether or not to keep them or take them back to where I bought them. -I want to go to the movies. It's been a while. -Yesterday at Walmart I ran into an ADH brother who actually reconized me from the throngs of people at the meetings there nowadays. I thought that was pretty cool and it made me happy that I'm not some unknown entity. Ben invited me to hang out with him at the meeting tonight, but I might just stay in as I'm pretty out of it today due to my cold and not getting enough sleep. -Hollow Season is going to playing in yet another Battle of the Bands, even though there was no word back as to the finals of the last one. I will post more info once I find it. -My birthday dinner is this Saturday, Jan 31st, at 8pm...I'm thinking pizza, as everyone likes pizza, and pizza makes people happy. And I want pizza. I'm still trying to figure out where we are going for pizza. If you wanna come, please say so! I'm thinking it's gonna be a small group, but it will be good to just hang out and chill. :) -Ok, that's it. I'm gonna go rest now. :) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 19th, 2009
11:44 pm	Strange week... So last week was a very strange week. Let's put this into perspective...sometimes I can't write about one thought, I have to write about them all. I had 2 peculiar dreams last week: 1. I was amongst a group of APO people. Someone had taken it upon themselves to pass around a small notebook to which people would write down names, and then would write down a small note, usually the Greek letters to their chapter with the word "rocks!" or something like that. When it came around to me, I wrote something different. I wrote the words, "Because I can." 2. I have this muse I sometimes dream about. The dreams he appears in are often very memorable, and this one was no exception. He shows me things I haven't really thought about before, or kicks my ass when I haven't been really creatively inclined. This time I dreamed about my muse I had no idea that I would need his creative spirit to guide me so much. He reminds me that in order to stay sane I need to channel my emotions into my writing. I had a really strange weekend too, to say the least. All I can say though is that Dan made me feel that I wasn't wrong for feeling the way I felt about certain things in my life, and that I don't have to apologize for those things. Also, it looks as though Jan 31st is a go for my birthday dinner/hanging out-type deal. It should commence around 8pm...some details are still being finalized. If ya want to come along, please RSVP so I know who to expect. Thanks! :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
11:48 pm	Updates... Since the new year began I've been trying to focus more on creative endeavors. So far I've written a bunch of poetry (of which I will post soon) and have been trying to get used to not journaling. Not making hand-written entries has been harder than I thought, due to the fact that I have to hard-wire my brain to not think about it due to my OCD. Yesterday I started my altered book project...so far so good. I took a planner from a couple of years back that I never used and started scrapbooking odds and ends that I collected over the years. I'm combining stickers, ticket stubs, postcards, scrapbook paper, pen and ink drawings, and random stuff I have to make a small random book of the inner workings of my mind. So far I'm having a lot of fun with it. Hopefully I can find a way to post pics of it when I'm done. Musically, I've been trying to practice guitar as much as I can, but I've been learning this one song that I discovered recently and have established a connection with it, to the point where I'm obsessed with playing it. Other than that, Dan and I went to Ben's today to do some recording, and while recording vocals is hard, it's quickly getting easier. I stil have this damn sinus infection. It seems like every other day I'm getting a sinus headache. My birthday is at the end of the month...I'm tentatively planning something like dinner and something else on the 31st, if people would like to join. :) (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 4th, 2009
8:01 pm	Strange Beginning of the Year... The past few days since the new year I've been walking around, kinda in a haze. Probably not knowing what to with myself. Then again, my mind's always been a confusing place to be, and I've had a bad sinus infection the past couple of weeks, so my mind is probably not expected to be that clear right now. January's always been a strange month...sometimes it seems brighter than December, the beginning of the year, the sign of new promise. It's almost like a springier version of winter. At the same time, January can be kinda bittersweet, since it's the middle of winter, and things are still dark and covered in snow. Today I started a new written journal, and I've found that I've had trouble recently keeping a written journal, possibly because what I write isn't intended to be just for myself, but for my expression to the rest of the world. When I write in my journal I usually just write feelings on certain events, not really about the events themselves. In the past year I've also taken to drawing a lot in my journal too. Right now I'm just trying to decide which project to take on first. Give me some time to be a creative firecracker. :) (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2009
3:43 pm	Happy New Year's Everyone, and Resolutions... Happy New Year! Ok, so I may not have had the most exciting New Year's in recent memory, but at least I got my New Year's kiss from my Dandan, so that makes it all worth it. With each new year though there's always more chances to be new and exciting, so right now I have my resolutions list: 1. I usually put this one first: writing. Last year I wrote more than usual, but I still feel like I'm not completely satisfied with the quantity of my output. I have so many ideas that it's hard to focus on just one at a time. Poetry is good for me because it's a short enough form of writing to keep my interest and actually finish the pieces I'm working on. One of my goals is to actually keep my attention on longer forms of writing, like short stories, and maybe actually a novella/novel. Second, I still have a lot of poetry to post that I haven't already. Third, I want to write more posts about my life in Livejournal. I feel like that's one of the ways I want people to get to know what's inside my head more. 2. Music. My musical goals have kinda fallen by the wayside because of the constraints of time and resources. I really want to make an album and make copies myself instead of going to a professional studio to save on money, but timing to record has been off. Add to that I would like to do some shows, but I don't have the equipment to do that, and I feel funny asking to borrow equipment from friends. I also still get stage fright, so I haven't played at open mic in a while, though I plan to change that soon. Other than that, songs have definitely been coming easier and easier to me and I have a couple of projects I'm working on with people, so that should be good. 3. Art. I found out in the last year that I don't have to be the greatest artist in the world to produce art that is well-liked. I'd like to do more drawing and photography, as well as some craft-related things. 4. Last year was kinda strange in that it was kinda quiet socially. I usually kept to certain groups of people and branched out once in a while, a sharp contrast to the year before where I was a knockout social butterfly. I met a few people who I like to hang out with and feed my creative energy. I'd like to meet more people who share my interests. Add to that, try to make more of an effort to see friends I don't usually see enough of. 5. I need to take more chances and adventure more. I like trying new things. This may seem kinda random, but I want to learn to knit and learn HTML. 6. Health. It seems as though I have less and less depression days, thanks to learning that my depression can't be cured, but can be helped by my understanding of it. I can't stand my OCD, but it's here to stay and though it's easier to manage, damn, it's a bitch. In the past year, I've also begun to change my diet around and be more active in working out. I've also learned some more yummy recipes that are awesome. I want to keep on working on losing weight, regulating my eating habits, and learning more new recipes. 7. APO and community service. This is where it gets tough. I was sporatically around APO last year, although there were times I wanted to be more involved again, but I didn't know where I fit in. I tried to be involved, but it seemed like whenever I did, something stupid would happen, and it made me feel like my help was not needed, and I became cynical about this whole "brotherhood" thing. There are some things that I would like to talk about involving APO that I'm not happy about, but I'm afraid that people would get offended and not want to hear it. Maybe I'm a disgruntled alumni that really cares. I really would like to become involved again, but how? As for community service, it's been tough with my busy schedule, but I want to take some time out when I can to get back into it. 8. Books! I almost forgot about reading! I have boxes full of books that I haven't gotten around to reading yet! Last year I didn't read a lot, but I read some. I also have lots of albums that I haven't listened to yet, and I still have to work on listening to Dan's massive collection. Well, that's it for now. I have too much to do, it feels like, but I'm guessing the payoffs are well worth it. :) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
12:03 am	Obligatory crazy soul-searching New Year's post... So, I'm not at Nationals. I somehow thought I would be this year, but I'm not. There's part of me that feels like I should be there, but there's also part of me that feels like I shouldn't. But I feel kinda ok with missing it. I miss some people, and I miss having adventures with those people, but I don't feel like that this was meant to be a crazy year for me. It was more of a year of quiet reflection as to where I've come from and where I am now. I focused a lot on myself this year. I wrote a lot of poetry and I found out that maybe that my fear of running out of inspiration for songs is unfounded. I didn't roadtrip, but I learned to appreciate what's in my own backyard. I met some cool new people. I played a lot of guitar. I worked a lot. I watched a lot of crappy reality TV, but found out that it's a harmless vice. I changed my eating habits. I learned some new things about handling my OCD. I learned that maybe I really was bad at relationships and that maybe I had to wait for the right guy to set me straight. I learned that I'm more creative than I thought, branching out into art and drawing. I found out that I'm emotional and sensitive and that's there nothing wrong with that as long as I channel it into something positive. I learned that I don't have to go out all the time, that I can be selfish with my time because that's the only way I can get my goals accomplished. Overall, it was a year of soothing, curving melodies, rather than crazy jazz rifts. I wandered around a lot less, and I wondered a lot more. And I honestly feel like I'm a lot more myself than I have been. So here I am. What next year brings still has yet to be determined, but it's a blank slate where I can use the things I learned from this year. In some ways it was a strange year, but overall, it was great. :) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
12:01 am	I want to... I want to write...but it's too late at night...and my eyelids are slowly forming dreams for me. I've been song-writing lately, and the songs are peeling away certain layers of me. They exorcize my anger and cynicism at the world. I have so many things inside of me to let out, but so many limited windows to do that in. I'm changing and becoming better. And there was a time when I didn't think I could change and become better. But I have. Dammit, I have. :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 27th, 2008
1:13 pm	Weeeeeee....... Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. :) (2 Comments |Comment on this)