I've been looking back at the summer and been thinking a lot. It was mostly an uneventful summer for me. I took lots of walks, ate lots of ice cream, and tried to break myself out of this rut I've been feeling for a while. Oh yeah, and I saw Green Day.
I guess what comes out of this rut is that I've been looking for something to inspire me. Something to happen that will shake me up. Something to hold my interest. Something to change me.
It's hard though. Most of those changes I could make don't get made because of that fear that holds me back. I've found out that sometimes I'm afraid of people, of what people are capable of. I'm afraid that sometimes I'm too complex to be understood. I'm afraid of people not giving me a chance. That sometimes I'll let my feelings be known in the simplest way possible and I'll be misunderstood. There are times I need people to listen to what I say...to what I think...but sometimes it comes out mixed up.
I capped off the summer with about 2 weeks of depression, feeling all these strange things that I felt like I was dealing with on my own. Mostly I was. As a whole this summer, I actually looked at a lot of things and thought about them, let them into my mind for a while and tried to figure them out. Maybe that's why it was so uneventful...I needed to look at things in different ways. I needed to be more contemplative.
Right now I look at the world and there are so many things I don't understand. It's strange, I tend to question everything around me. Sometimes I feel like an outsider because I don't take everything at face value. And I'm trying to figure out why I'm like this. This is probably one of the reasons I'm holding back...I can't make sense of the outside world. I can't make sense of society and things like that. Hell, I can't balance my thoughts enough times to write in a way that makes sense. Everything rushes through my head.
Maybe I can't necessarily find things to inspire me. Maybe I have to inspire myself.